My car doesn't have air-conditioning, and it's been 90 for most of the drive, so we have to have the windows open, and he's been wearing ear plugs because of the noise! To protect his hearing! I feel bad playing my music because it makes it louder. So that ruins one of my favorite things in the world, driving across the country listening to my favorite music and singing.

We've spent the entire trip bickering about whether I'm driving too fast or he's driving too slow on the mountain roads, whether or not we should stay at the cheapest motels (I like cheap places, he doesn't). Rather than satiate my desire for traveling, this trip is only making me wish I could take a road trip by myself... maybe I will.

I realized that I have no trouble driving extremely long distances alone. I've done most of the driving so far and I easily could have done all of it. Before I left, I was remembering trips I've done in the past, when I was coming off heroin, when I couldn't stay awake and was hallucinating. But being clean, I'm totally capable of driving all day by myself. If only I'd known that before I left, I wouldn't have been afraid to go alone. Oh well.

Other than that, it's been fine. We made it to the Badlands yesterday and slept in Rapid City. Today we were slower, stopping at Devil's Tower and taking the scenic mountainous route towards Yellowstone. Apparently there are fires in the mountains near here, so tomorrow we'll have to drive around the fires to get into the park.

I'm not a big fan of Wyoming. I like people, and it is apparently the least populous state. The endless miles of barren, yellow hills kind of freak me out. Two years ago I drove through on I-80, which is less desolate than the route we took today. I'm going to feel a lot better when we get into the wooded mountains of Oregon.

I was reading about how certain things that cause minor brain damage, like drugs and alcohol, can cause difficulty with memory, as well as decision-making. I definitely have memory issues from my years of drug abuse, but I never quite understood the decision-making part until I became aware of how I waver back and forth on every decision. Why is it that decision-making is a complex brain task? Isn't it just looking at the pros and cons, deciding what you'd rather have? But it's never that simple.

While I was with my family in Chicago, I started seriously considering being with Brian again. My cousin Alexa (on my mother's side) just had a baby, and she was asking me about my husband. I didn't want to tell her the real story, so I pretended I was still with him. I started thinking how easy my life would be if we were together. Money is so much easier with two people -- a lot of things are easier with two people. He'd probably be super nice to me, at least at first. I could go back to school. I could have a kid. My extended family would be happy that my life was "normal"...

Just when I was thinking about this, my phone rang. It was Brian. Things like that happen a lot -- I'll be thinking about him, and he'll call. Almost every time I'm considering taking him back, he calls. It's uncanny. I thought it was a sign.

But once I was away from the narcotic effects of being around my huge family, I came to my senses. For one thing, I'd be using him. I don't love him, and it's unfair to give him the impression that I love him, simply because I crave stability and family. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I would be guaranteeing some serious mental anguish for myself, whether in the near or distant future.

What really cemented it was when he called a few days later to tell me about taking his daughter to the Nordstrom's makeup counter, getting her a makeover and buying her $400 worth of makeup. He was so proud of that. All I could think about was how he used to treat me, when I was starving in Colomubus or sleeping on the floor in Arcata, when we had issues getting paid and he wouldn't lend me a few dollars. I became almost blind with rage, standing in a parking lot while he babbled on about the fucking makeup.

Then he told me he couldn't take this trip with me, but said if I got "in trouble" or "strung out", he would fly or bus to me and help me. It struck me as strange that he would think that I would find heroin in Wyoming or Idaho. But no matter how many times I told him that drugs would not be an issue, he kept reassuring me that he would help me if I found drugs. Finally I gave up. I think he has this fantasy that I'll get in a desperate situation, and he can whisk me away like a knight in shining armor. A few months ago, he said, "If you start doing heroin again, if you get on a five day run and you need to get away, just call me and you can come stay with me." I think he mixed up the terminology a bit, since he used to do meth (back when he was 15). You don't go on a heroin "run". But whatever.

The first two times we got together were because I needed a place to stay to get clean. He probably fantasizes that the same thing will happen again. There are a lot of things I should find creepy about him, but this one bothers me especially. If he really thinks I might have found heroin on this trip, why would he not offer to come with me? If he has the means to do it, why would he wait until I got in trouble, so he could "save" me, rather than preventing it? He wants me to be weak so I need him.