Bad idea. We'd had a long day of moving my stuff from my old house, going to Last Thursday, and watching Little Miss Sunshine. I should have been sufficiently tired. Then I did two loads of laundry and hung them all up, and wrote my list of things to do for tomorrow. I've been so productive lately, but my memory is horrible now (I think it's from drugs), so I have to constantly write down everything I need to do.

Around 4, he started to get paranoid that I wasn't coming to bed because of him, but I assured him that I just wasn't tired yet. Once I wore myself out with the laundry, I got in bed. Right away, he snuggled up next to me and held me. It was ok. I mean, it wasn't bothering me, though it did feel weird. But I didn't want to start a scene so I just went to sleep. But throughout the night, he kept pushing me closer and closer to the edge of the bed in his effort to be near me, giving me about 6 inches of space. Worst, he tried to hold me with his arm under my neck, which has given me the worst neckache EVER.

I woke up super early and couldn't sleep anymore because it hurt so much. Instead of offering to massage it for me, he got all pissy and said, "Maybe I just need my wife back!" Oh, ok. He is off his meds and had also just quit smoking so I suppose he's feeling kind of irritable. He keeps twisting things around so that it's my fault for "pulling away" from him (in my sleep).

Now he has the whole bed to himself because I was so angry I wasn't tired anymore. He's sleeping like a baby. This is ridiculous. I do like spending time with him, as a friend, but he's starting to get like he was before -- pushy, manipulative, irrational.

I can't tell him I won't see him, though, because I need his help. I'm on the verge of quitting my job. They called yesterday and told me not to come in today. They're "training new people". Since they already have enough employees for the counter, that means that I won't have enough hours anymore. My next paycheck will cover the rest of August rent and maybe part of September rent, but I'm going to Chicago for a week for the wedding. After I come back I won't have time to make enough money for the rest of September rent.

I'd just found out that my hours were cut when Brian came over yesterday -- he said, "Don't stress out about that, I can help you out." When I resisted his help, he got mad. He thinks I'm trying to be "independent." I think I'm just trying to survive. I don't feel like I can depend on him to help me with money; in the past he's offered to help support me and then twisted it around so that I "don't want to work". I tell him, "If you look at your past actions, you can see why I wouldn't want to take money from you." But we kind of agreed that I would let him help me if I couldn't come up with September rent.

So I can't really say I don't want to see him anymore. Plus, I'm soft. I have trouble being that mean. I managed to leave him once, and that was hard enough. I guess I need to make sure he doesn't get so close that it gets that bad again.

SO. I feel less angry now. Good. Well, as long as I woke up so early, I might as well go get coffee and enjoy the morning. My list of things to do today includes walking around the neighborhood with my resume, hanging the rest of my laundry, weeding the yoga garden, and possibly picking up Miss Suzi Creamcheese. Donna's boyfriend and I are involved in a passionate custody battle over that little kitten. It's complicated. But hopefully I can get her soon.

I'm tempted to just not show up for work tomorrow. I'd only make $50 in wages over the weekend, plus tips, which I'd have to split with James because I'm training him. $70, versus my sanity. Hmmm. There's nothing they can do. They've done more than enough fucked up things to me. So many other employees, even long-term employees, have been walking out abruptly, they probably wouldn't even be surprised. And then I could spend that time getting other things done and finding work. But who knows, maybe they'll give me more hours next week; then I'd be stupid to pass up another $400.

Oh, and I promise I will write my much-hyped entry that I mentioned a few days ago. Several people have written wanting to know what it is, and I'll just say -- it is something you already know, for sure. It's not going to be as exciting for you as it was for me. I've told two people so far, and both times I broke down sobbing. I told Donna on Wednesday. And when I told my therapist yesterday, I started crying before I was even done with the first sentence. Donna got it right away. But I don't know if my therapist quite understood the significance. I'm telling you, for most "normal" people, this isn't news, this is just the way the world works. But it's news for me, and good news. That's all I'll say.