At least I'm making some money. I don't get paid until the 20th, though, so I'm broke for now.

So I started taking neurontin on Thursday, and I don't know if it's that or something else, but I haven't been depressed since then. At first I was really scared it would come back but it's been almost a week now. I'm tapering off the suboxone because the side effects have arrived -- my hands and feet are swollen and I wake up with numb hands. Brian even noticed how swollen my hands were when we had dinner the other night, and I can't wear any of my rings.

It's also making me weirdly bloated, so I have a belly, even though I haven't actually gained weight. This caused Brian to say the #1 thing you should NEVER say to a girl: "Are you pregnant?" He was lying with his head on my lap. He, of all people, should know that I have an IUD so there is no way I could be pregnant. Thanks, Brian. He couldn't understand why I got so mad when he said that. A word to my male readers: Never, EVER, say that to a girl, no matter HOW pregnant she may appear or feel. Thank you.

And no, we aren't back together or anything, he was just all panicky and upset and I was trying to calm him down. He's freaking out because I'm not backing down AT ALL about the possibility of us being together. In fact I'm even more certain that I don't want to be with him. And I'm being way, way too nice to him, and whenever he asks me to hug him, or to do something to make him feel better, I usually give in, and then it makes me even more angry because it reminds me of all the times in the past when I was upset and he would never have any empathy towards me. In fact I think I might tell him that we just shouldn't see each other at all for a while, until he can be more sane around me. He's working in southern Oregon so at least I don't have to deal with him too much.

I've been keeping myself really busy, and that's good. I started weeding Michelle's garden, and once I started I couldn't really stop, and I got really sunburned. She comes out to talk to me and we've become kind of friends. Yoga class is amazing, and after meditation this week one of the girls said I was glowing, and "surrounded by light". Sweet!

In other news, I learned how to ride my bike with no hands. I can even turn corners and shift gears. I rode all the way home from Ashley's last night no-handed. Usually I can never resist the urge to race cars, which makes me really hot and out of breath, so riding with no hands forces me to ride a bit slower and concentrate on the bike rather than how fast I'm going. It's kind of like meditating.

I rode past Jason on the Burnside Bridge when I was riding to work the other day, which was strange. And I saw my fucking heroin dealer in downtown, just a block from my work, getting into a car with some old lady with a bunch of takeout food! I stopped in my tracks and stared, until he looked at me, and he recognized me but gave me this look that made me not say anything. The lady was probably his grandmother or something. He has a wife and four kids, so he maintains a semi-normal life while making a living off the junkies of southeast Portland... I wonder if he wonders why I stopped calling.

Well, there were so many things I wanted to write about in the last few days, but I'm too tired now. I have to keep writing every day. I don't like going this long without writing. I have the next two days off, so tomorrow is my only chance to do acid... I'm still trying to get one of my friends to do it with me, but maybe I'll just do it alone. It's supposed to be cooler tomorrow -- only 90!! I don't have A/C in my house, but I stole a fan from the hallway and put it in my window, and there's a nice breeze tonight.