I woke up so depressed I almost decided to quit my job and stay in bed forever. But I got up, took a shower, rode my bike downtown, worked, had lunch with a friend, went shopping (bought a beautiful green dress), and saw my therapist, Dr. W. I'm starting to warm up to him. He was nicer today.

I told him about my weird cycles of "absolutely certain I'm going to kill myself in the next 5 minutes" and "hey, everything is fine, I feel great". It's usually worse in the morning, or sometimes I feel ok in the morning and then the day deteriorates.

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a waking nightmare.

I can't figure out a correlation between what I do, and how I feel. The things I used to do to feel better don't work anymore. But then, sometimes when I have no reason to feel better, my mood just lifts by itself. I have no control. It's driving me insane. I don't know if I'll wake up tomorrow glowing and ready to go weed the garden at the yoga space, or if I'll sleep until 2 and fantasize about suicide while watching stupid TV shows.

Anyway, right now I feel good, so I should concentrate on that. I've started getting some of the side effects I used to get from suboxone, like waking up with my hands numb. So Dr. W. realized the side effects weren't from an interaction with neurontin, and agreed to prescribe it to me, after hearing about my crazy mood swings. That was the highlight of my day, because I know neurontin has really helped me in the past. I took some, but since I was already feeling ok, I can't feel it. I'll see if it works when the depression comes back.

Right now I feel like the depression will never come back, but that's how I always feel -- it's so hard to imagine the other side.

I wandered around Northwest in my sandals and summer dress, feeling pretty. It's amazing how my mood swings affect the way I look. This morning I was convinced that I was so ugly, I didn't even look like a girl anymore. There's a mirror in the back of the deli where I work, and I noticed that as my mood got better throughout the day, I looked prettier and prettier, even though nothing had really changed. Six hours later, I was checking myself out in store windows; my hair looked great and I even felt skinny. WTF? I'm not complaining, though.

So I took the bus home, shed my jewelry, and went to yoga class with Michelle again. I think she thinks I'm flaking out on weeding the garden, but I've just been so busy since I got this job. I have all day free until 5 tomorrow, so I'll definitely do it.

Yoga was amazing. We concentrated on "core strength", which is the one area I really need help in (core = abs/ lower back). My legs are strong from biking and my arms are strong from working in restaurants, and I'm already pretty flexible and good at the hatha poses, but my "core" is fucking WEAK! I was proud, though, that I could keep up with the rest of the class through the challenging posture flows, even though I'm just starting up again. Michelle teaches "Vinyasa" yoga, which is similar to the Hatha I took at Reed, but a lot more difficult.

I did find out that I have really "open" hips. We were doing a stretch to open our hips, and I was able to stretch far beyond anyone else in class, which I found strange. After class I asked Michelle, "Am I super flexible in my hips, or am I doing the stretch wrong?" She said I was doing it right, and that I just have "open hips". She said the downside to that is that my core is weaker. For example, I can put both my feet behind my head. But it's harder for me to do stuff like headstands or the peacock pose.

Interesting. I like getting to know my body.

After class I put on my new green dress and rode to Fred Meyer to get some groceries. I bought too many bottles of on-sale lemonade, and the groceries didn't fit in my crate, so I had to ride home carrying a heavy bag on one shoulder. I practiced no-hands riding, and finally perfected the no-hands-holding-a-grocery-bag-bicycle-ride going down Stark.

So that was my day, and I'm going to sleep. Let's hope I wake up feeling the same as I feel now.