So today it got a little better, I managed to drink some water and ride my bike five blocks to eat a piece of pizza and get some lemonade from Wild Oats. For some reason I always crave lemonade when I'm withdrawing.

Tomorrow I have to work at 8, it should be interesting to see how I manage the bike ride at 7 am.

Donna has been unavailable and I feel more and more alone, but I don't see the point in going to some other city... yet. I don't know. This is where I want to be, right? It's just weird to live in a house, where the other people don't even know whether I'm dead or alive, basically.

I tried to concentrate on being thankful... mostly thankful that I have a bed that I can snuggle in and be safe. Safe from what, I'm not sure, but it is nice to have somewhere warm and quiet. It could be worse.

My parents just called to see how I was doing. It's really hard for me to make decisions or figure out which of several options I should do... it just all seems the same to me. My dad asked what I want, in the next few months, what my goals are, and I was like, "Uh.... I just want to live with Donna." Yep.

I don't know, it's just hard to keep having hope after so long. When it seemed like I was ok, had been clean for a year, and now this. I just can't muster the same energy I used to have when I'd get clean, when I'd think "ok, this is it, now I'm going to be ok!" I just feel totally dead and emotionless.

I keep waiting for that moment where the cloud lifts.. in the past it was always so much easier. That moment when you're walking down the street, and you're like "fuck, this is so beautiful! what an amazing day, i have no reason to be sad!" It hasn't happened yet. I'll let you know if it does.