I received an email from one A. E., offering the services of her shrink, someone who sounds exactly like what I am looking for. And the approval of an anxiety-prone, intelligent girl who reads a lot of the same books as me, seems a good indication of whether this person could also work for me. It's a start.

The more I think about it, the more I think that Dr. W. is not the therapist for me. I am not usually this cynical, but it IS in his best interest to convince me that he is the "most qualified" to "deal" with me -- and charge me $140 an hour. He *repeatedly* told me that he is the smartest, and best, psychiatrist and therapist in Oregon, and possibly the world. I think that he may be suffering from narcissistic personality disorder.

Ok, now I want to respond to the various emails and guestbook responses I've gotten.

Re. Buspar. I tried this medication several years ago; it had no effect.

Neurontin is really the best drug for me. It doesn't make me high, but it ends my panic attacks and anxiety 100%, which isn't true of benzos. You may be surprised that I can have a full blown panic attack WHILE ON Xanax. It happened in Thailand a lot. The Xanax just made me care less that I was having a panic attack. However, the best thing about Neurontin is that it completely stops the "I hate myself, I hate myself" monologue that is CONSTANTLY running through my head. Constantly. I mean, even now. To have that voice gone is such a relief.

To Bobby: even if anti-depressents were offered to me, I would never take them. I have tried three (Prozac, Effexor, and Wellbutrin) and I had very atypical responses. Prozac MADE me clinically depressed. Effexor and Wellbutrin rendered me psychotic -- hearing voices, hallucinating, unable to move from my bed, seeing movies in my head, etc. I will never, ever take another SSRI.

I'm glad you agree with me that long term Suboxone is not the answer.

But I disagree about the oral Naltrexone. For one thing, Suboxone kind of works like Naltrexone, since it blocks heroin. While I was on Suboxone, I knew that if I did heroin, there would be no effect. And that was good enough for me. I NEVER tried to do heroin while I was on it, only after I tapered off, which I was forced to do after I developed those fucked up side effects. When a craving would hit me, I would brush it away because I knew that I wouldn't be able to feel it. (You can refer to summer 2004 for evidence.)

One thing is for sure: oral Naltrexone is better than nothing. It prevents the kind of spontaneous cravings that were my downfall lately -- driving down the road, feeling great, and then WHAM, I can't stop thinking about heroin. If I were on Naltrexone, I would know I couldn't feel heroin, so I wouldn't do it. Usually in the morning is when I feel sane and motivated, so all I'd have to do is make sure I took it in the morning and then I would be safe all day.

Re: meetings. You say they would "call bullshit on my excuses" etc... I ask you: When have I EVER claimed that I had a reason to do heroin? I have consistently said that there is no excuse, that I was stupid to do it, that even though I'm depressed, miss Donna, etc etc, it was no reason to go back to heroin. Anything you might be reading as an excuse is actually an explanation of my rationalization AT THE TIME I did the heroin -- not anything that is supposed to explain away my heroin use. I'm fully aware that any "reason" I've ever had, wasn't a reason, it was an excuse. I don't need anyone to tell me that my "reasons" are bullshit, I already know that. Maybe in the past I thought I had a reason to do heroin, but not anymore. And I now realize that what I thought were reasons in the past, weren't.

At any rate, I don't respond well to meetings. I found a treatment group I liked in Minneapolis, one that was not based on the 12-step model, it was based on a model I fully support -- but hearing stories about other people's drug use for 2 hours twice a week only made me crave heroin more. I almost always scored after the meetings. I know I have to talk about myself and my drug use, but I don't want to hear endless "war stories" from other ex-users. I think that individual therapy is the way to go.

To "S from NYC": the implant costs $900 per month. Yeah. Totally impossible.

And to those of you who emailed me, your letters made me feel a lot better. I was really embarrassed all day at work today, remembering that hysterical thing I wrote last night, and I was glad to find some kind words in my inbox.

Today is my last day of heroin. I didn't have as much today as I have been doing lately, and I resisted the urge to buy more. I'll wake up tomorrow in withdrawal, which is when you're supposed to start Suboxone. So, shortly after I take it, I'll feel the effects -- the Buprenorphine will simultaneously "erase" any heroin, and then "fill up" the "hole" that heroin has left in my body/psyche. This is a very strange sensation. In the past it has made me feel a hell of a lot better. At the very least, I'll be relieved to be off the heroin roller coaster, and to know that I'm on the road to cleanliness.

I think that I will call Dr. W. and thank him for his offer of therapy, 6-8 month Suboxone treatment, etc, but that I'm not interested. I've gotten referrals from friends now, both for a therapist, and for someone who can prescribe me meds, so I think I will follow my gut that there is something intensely wrong with Dr. W. He'll probably accuse me of just "using him" to get Suboxone (something he's said in the past), but it doesn't matter what he says.

Hopefully Donna will be more inclined to see me now that I will be clean and not falling asleep all over her, and hopefully my mood will improve. Right now I feel ok, kind of volatile, fragile, like any moment I could revert to a sobbing suicidal mess. I'm sitting at the Fresh Pot and I feel a bit nervous but I'm trying not to think about it. I only have a few more hours left before sleep. I have a bit of heroin left. Hopefully the remaining hours will go quickly and without a turn to "the darkness". If I can hang on until tomorrow, I should be ok.

It's going to be ok. Because it has to be.