my idea of what i want is: taper off suboxone within 2-3 weeks, switch to oral naltrexone since i can afford it, plus neurontin for anxiety. lots of talk therapy.

his idea of what i should do is: suboxone for 6-8 months, no neurontin at first to see if the suboxone still gives me weird side effects. i know it will, but he says he's had hundereds of patients and only me and one other person had that strange reaction.

he says i should see him for therapy, says he's one of the best therapists around and one of the only people who can "handle me" since i'm so "strong willed and stubborn" and a lot of other shit... i agreed to it, but i'm starting to think otherwise. he makes me feel bad. i can't put my finger on it, he just makes me uncomfortable. but trying to find a new therapist... and he's right, it's hard to find a good one.. and i already know him and wouldn't have to tell someone my life story all over again.

i'm just not happy with the idea of being on suboxone 6-8 months. the way i see it, i was clean for a year and only used for about a month and a half, not even every day! my issue is not that i need to be stabilized on an opiate, physically. my body will get over the heroin very fast. my issue is not physical, it's mental, and i need therapy, not suboxone. he gave me a script for 10 of them, that's really all i need, if i can just find another doctor to prescribe me oral naltrexone and neurontin.

i was just sitting on the porch feeling like shit and i slowly realized it was (partially) because of our meeting today. i feel like he's laughing at me. like he thinks he knows everything that's best for me. i told him i was really suicidal and that i would like to start therapy today if possible, but he said he thought i would be fine, and we scheduled for monday. he seemed to not really understand how intense it is. like, oh, yeah, you're suicidal, everything is fine.

i'm going to start the suboxone on friday.. i bought enough heroin for tomorrow.. i have to work 7-2 and sometimes when i start suboxone it makes me feel worse before it makes me feel better, and i can't afford to not be 100% perfect at work tomorrow. but i almost feel like just flushing it and taking my chances. i know heroin is what's making me feel this way, maybe if i just start the suboxone asap i'll feel better.

this has to be chemical. it has to be because of the heroin, i know it is, because i felt great a few months ago. i need therapy to help me intigrate myself into normal life, deal with my anxiety, fear of not being perfect, fear of running out of time... i don't need to be on some opiate for half a year. when you start tapering off it after that long, it's just like heroin withdrawal all over again. i don't need that.

i want to die, i want to die. wow, it almost made it a little better to type it. god i hate myself so much. fuck fuck fuck fuck. ok, i can't kill myself. i know that. i am so fucking alone.

maybe i'll feel better tomorrow. if this doesn't get better SOON, i'm going to.. but i can't do it... so i don't know what to do. i'm a fucking idiot for bringing this on myself again, i'm so stupid, i can't believe i started doing heroin again, that's that most fucking idiotic thing i've done in my entire life, really, i think it is. now look where i am, 6-8 months of some medication is what the "expert" thinks is best for me. fuck that.