It's like I don't have any emotions. And it's not just because of the heroin. This afternoon I was sitting on the porch with Donna, clean for today, and I still couldn't feel anything. I never used to feel like this... my emotions and feelings used to come back as soon as the heroin wore off. It was a good feeling, to be able to feel again. I guess this is depression. I have all the symptoms. I'm pretty sure it's just because of the heroin, if I could stop again, for longer than a few days, I think I'd be fine.

So anyway, I've been looking into the Naltrexone implant... I found a site that had a doctor locater, and I found three doctors in the Portland area who were in the directory. One of them happened to be my old doctor who prescribed me Suboxone years ago, and one is a doctor my friend Kelly is seeing for her prescriptions. I'll have to wait until the morning to call and see if either of them actually does the implant; the page could have old information or something.

But that made me think maybe I could just see Dr. W. again and get some Suboxone... I could get clean the easy way, taper off the Suboxone after a few days and then start on Naltrexone pills until I can get the implant. I don't necessarily have to run off to another city to avoid heroin, I could just stay here in Portland and keep my job.

Even though I don't go to work high, a lot of times I've been tired from using for a few days, or a little bit in withdrawal, and I think Natacha notices those days. I think if I could get clean again, she'd notice, and give me more hours. It's funny, because I've had jobs before where I went to work high, in withdrawal, whatever, and those managers never noticed any changes in my work. Natacha must be extremely intuitive.

In my inbox there's some airfare deal roundtrip to Minneapolis for $113.. I could fly home for a bit and see my parents, and then drive that car back... an extra car that they said I could have if I went and got it. Having a car again would make getting to work at 7 am a lot easier, and it always cheered me up to be able to take day trips or go to the coast.

I ended up doing heroin today after Donna left... (sorry donna!) even though I'd erased my dealer's number again, texted Jason and told him not to give me the number and not to call me today.. threw out all my needles... unfortunately, I seem to have memorized the dealer's number and it only took me a few tries to figure it out. For a while I had enough motivation to stay clean a few days a week, but I feel so empty now, I think I'll need Suboxone again to get clean for real.

I wrote that a few hours ago. I've been sitting on the porch smoking, doing nothing. I feel a little better for some reason. My friend Dan in L.A. emailed me and it cheered me up... Also I was planning in my head what to wear to work tomorrow. Even though I feel like shit, I've been digging my style lately. Lots of red-orange, and black, and almost as much jewelry as I wore in high school.

I love that job and it's fun to dress up pretty; the other girls always wear cute outifts, too. And I brought in one of my vintage print aprons. The other Becky uses the red apron, and Miranda wears the maroon one, tied high on her waist, 50s style, with her high waist skinny jeans and sweater with embroidered vegetables. Only she can make that outfit look great. She can also wear shorts. I don't know how she does it. Working is one of the only things that makes me happy lately.

The other thing is that Donna has made an effort to be more available; I've seen her for the past three days. She says she thinks we can see each other every day. It doesn't always help to see her, but sometimes I can laugh and have fun. Sometimes I still feel empty and cry a lot. But if I get to see her more often, things will definitely be better.

Actually I think the reason I feel better now than I did a few hours ago is that, once again, I'm planning to be clean tomorrow. I feel best when I'm *planning*. When it's the next day and I'm a little dopesick, I don't feel so great anymore, but I always feel less depressed planning to be clean. And when I am clean, for however long I can manage it, I feel overexposed, restless, and hopeless -- but as soon as I decide to give in and score, my mood lifts. Once I do the heroin I quickly become depressed, but during the hour it takes me to call my dealer, ride my bike and meet him on Stark St., I feel amazing.

So whether I'm sober or high, I'm pretty much depressed and miserable all the time -- except when I'm *planning* to switch states of mind. I know that the heroin will make me feel empty and irritable, and I know that when I wake up without it tomorrow I'll feel panicky and try to call Jason to get him to give me some. But no matter how many days go by, I haven't lost hope. I'm sitting here thinking about how much Dan's email cheered me up, thinking "Maybe tomorrow I'll remember that heroin makes me depressed, and Donna will meet me when I get off work and I'll have energy from working and I'll manage not to do it, even just for tomorrow." Who knows, maybe this time it'll work.

And since Natacha has been giving me only two days a week, i can probably fly home and get that car. My driver's license expired and I couldn't switch it from Minnesota to Oregon because I never paid a ticket for not having proof of insurance. But if I just renew it in Minnesota, I won't have to worry about that (I think). Then I can drive it back west, stopping in Salt Lake City to visit Chris. Maybe I can squeeze in a few days of work, before I take a road trip through Arcata, Oakland, the coast, L.A., and back to Portland. Whether I decide to live here or in California, I have a feeling that trip would make me feel a lot better.

Well, I have to work in four hours, so I guess I should go to sleep. Goodnight.