Woke up this morning feeling so-so. Hungry, no food in the house. Drank some coffee. By noon I gave in, called Jason, he brought over a bit of what he had, it made me feel better. I gave him some money and he's back out buying us another bag.

I called the art school and canceled my painting class. I'm too depressed to deal with it. At the first class, last week, I felt out of place... I don't want to waste my parent's money. Luckily it was early enough that I got a refund.

My life is so strange.. Donna will see me every few days, but she isn't really available. But on the days when I do heroin, I hang out with Jason, we walk around the city and have fun, talk, laugh. It just happens that my closest friend other than Donna is a junkie, and he is always free. It isn't so much that it's so hard to be clean, but that when I'm clean, I'm alone, I'm bored, I don't know what to do with myself. When I give in, I have fun and have a friend to hang out with.

I'm still only using like 4 or 5 days a week. The days when I'm clean aren't that bad, they're just empty. I keep my tolerance low by not using every day. I only spend like $15 when I do it -- and I probably make up the money by eating less and spending less on other stuff. I have very little motivation to try to be clean. I don't know what makes me more depressed, knowing that I'm fucking up my life, or the vague, crushing emptiness that paralyzes me when I'm sober.

Don't feel sorry for me, not that you were, but I'm not fishing for sympathy. This is clearly my fault, my decision, my life that I'm creating day by day. I've never been depressed before and I have no idea how to deal with it. The only thing I can think of to do is pack up a backpack and leave, hitchhike, travel far away. Traveling has always been my way out. I thought I was sick of it, but it can't be worse than this...

I'm just writing to take my mind off this while I wait for Jason to get back. I'm lucky at least that I have such a good friend -- he's always there for me when I'm sad, cheers me up, takes me to the park for a picnic. Today is lovely, almost summery again.

So if you live in California or anywhere around the west coast, maybe I can visit you whenever I decide that I'm sick of this life. Let me know if you have an extra couch...