Due to the fucking parade, all the buses were rerouted. I thought I could at least get to the Rose Quarter and catch the 70, but the bus was rerouted down Fremont and then it was just crawling along, past parade blockades and stupid people wandering around with lawn chairs in the rain. I ended up walking all the way from MLK and Multnomah to 23rd and Ankeny. Three miles in the rain. I was soaked.

So I went to San Francisco with $250 that I'd just got wired to me from Thailand, my last paycheck from my English teaching job. I ended up spending it all on hotel and food, since Brian had absolutely no money. So much for a "free" trip...

My bank account was also overdrawn because Virgin Mobile decided it could start charging my account after I went over my minutes for the month. It's a prepaid phone, which I bought specifically because I never wanted to be charged money I don't have. It's supposed to just stop working when I'm out of minutes. But I paid for my minutes last month with my card, and Virgin decided it could just start charging my card when I ran out of minutes... totally unauthorized. I ended up with 4 charges for $4.35, each with a $37 overdraft fee. I got my paycheck, but after I paid rent I was left with $140 for the rest of the month. I only get paid once a month. I have to pay my phone bill on Monday, $34, and I still owe $50 on my rent. I'm so fucked.

I think I'm going to sell my engagement ring. I'll probably only get $50 at a pawn shop. I don't know if I have the energy to deal with trying to sell it on Craigslist or something.

I got my parents to pay for me to take a painting class at PNCA.. I thought maybe getting back into art would improve my state of mind. I have no idea how I'm going to afford the paints. My parents are mailing me the paints I left at their house, but they won't get here in time for this week's class. Paint is expensive. I want to start taking yoga too.. there's a yoga place a block from my house. I need to start doing things. There has to be some way out of the way I feel.

There really is nothing "wrong" with my life. I have a place to live in a lovely neighborhood, I have a job I love, I still have Donna. I don't have a ton of friends, but that's probably because I'm not very open to people... I feel ok right now, but most of the time I can't stop thinking about suicide. And it's so frustrating, because I can't do it (see previous entries), so it's totally pointless to even think about it.

When I was in SF I completely fell in love with the city (again). I wish I could live there. I hung out with some street kids in the Haight and I had the urge to travel again.. just pack up a bag and hitchhike my troubles away. But I think I should stay in Portland for now. Something has to break soon.

Yesterday when I had a migraine, I slept most of the day, and I kept having these dreams that I was back in Thailand and I was trying to prepare my English classes, and I'd wake up soaked in sweat and fear, and then have the most amazing feeling of relief that I wasn't there. I should remember to be thankful that I'm in America... I love it here.

Hey, if any of you want to help me out, you probably don't trust me to give me cash donations, but I could really use some help... maybe a gift card to Safeway or New Seasons or Wild Oats? Those are not redeemable for cash... or a gift certificate for Art Media so I can buy paint... or a Virgin Mobile phone card. My address is 2327 SE Ankeny, Portland Oregon 97214.