So, first things first. Brian found me in the airport and we got on the BART to his hotel. He started immediately talking about how much he's changed, how much his meds help... not in a pressuring way, but in a way that made me start thinking of all the things he used to do to me. He told me to keep an open mind, not to push him away, and to give him a chance. I thought things were going ok, until I started shivering uncontrollably. He gave me his jacket but it just got worse.

By the time we got off the train I couldn't even walk, I was shaking so hard, all my muscles were completely immobile. He kind of carried/dragged me up the stairs and I had to lean on a pole until he found a cab, just to take us 6 blocks. My teeth were chattering so hard my skull felt like it was going to break. And it wasn't that cold. Even stranger, as soon as I got in the cab, I completely collapsed and couldn't stop sobbing until we got to the hotel. Then I huddled under the covers for a long time until I felt better.

I guess my unconscious associations having to do with Brian were more negative than I was expecting. That really took me by surprise. I think that was the worse panic attack I've ever had, times one hundred.

Since then I've felt fine. He is very different. I think he weighs about 135 pounds. The lithium makes him shake. And he's really really calm. He keeps telling me that he'll build his life up again, buy me a house in Portland, all these things, because he loves me, I'm the one. But I just don't feel it. I thought I might feel something, might get drawn back in against my will. But I feel less than nothing. I don't even know if I could feel anything if I wanted to.

I was lying in bed, and he sat by me and looked down, and said, "Oh my god, I can see it in your eyes. You just don't have anything left for me. I remember when you loved me, I could see it, and I never doubted it. I always knew you loved me. And now it's all gone. I must have done something really awful to make that go away."

I was actually kind of hoping I'd get all swept up in something again. I can't really write about much here because of a certain someone who I know is reading this. I'm just not doing very well in Portland. I'm clean, at least I'm clean enough that I won't have to ever be in withdrawal, which is good enough for me. But what isn't good enough for me is the way I feel on a daily basis. I'm losing hope alarmingly fast.

But I have no desire to be back in this relationship, especially with no love on my end. And for what? Brian is broke, living in shitty motels again, working petitions again. I've had enough of that life. I don't ever want to register another person to vote for the rest of my life. So I guess it's back to Portland on Saturday, so I can pick up Miranda's Sunday shift.