I'm too tired to respond to y'all's emails (is "y'all's" a word?) but I have a few stories, since someone asked me, "So were you really clean for a year? Or have you been using all the time?" No, little Bobby, I haven't. But there have been a few times. Obviously I wrote about when I used in Minneapolis in January, and there were two other times I didn't write about there, around the same time. Then since I've been in Portland, I was clean the first few months, now it's this irregular thing. I'm hoping to make it be a regular, nonexistent, thing, cause I'm sick of this on/off.

Before January, I was in Thailand since July, and I did not use drugs the entire time I was there, despite what you may have heard about Thailand. Maybe when you were there, you were at the Full Moon Party, but I was teaching English in relatively non-tourist places, and even when I had friends who spoke English and I asked them about drugs, they didn't know where to find anything other than pot.

So that brings us to last summer, and there were three occasions in June/July that I never wrote about. The first time was in Portland in early June, when Brian and I came up here prior to petitioning in Corvallis. We were staying with Donna and ate a prodigious amount of acid and ecstasy one night. Now, drugs make Brian horny and they do the opposite to me, which made us an even worse match than we already were. So here we are, the sun is rising, I feel like crap and want to sleep, he insists on sex and like always, I give in.

The only problem is, he's can't come because of the drugs. This goes on for, literally, four hours. I am in so much pain I can't stand it, and I just want to sleep, but he won't give up. Finally I'm like, "If you want to keep doing this, I'm going to buy heroin, so it doesn't hurt." He agrees! So, after being clean for almost two months, Brian drives me to score so he can continue to fuck me. Ironically, after I did the heroin, it only took him another half hour to come, probably because the drugs were wearing off by then.

He did some of the heroin too, but it still lasted us about two days. On the third day we were running errands separately and I couldn't resist scoring again. He found the needles in my car and broke up with me, told me to sell my engagement ring for drugs, and started throwing the needles at me -- on the sidewalk, in broad daylight. I thought it was a little strange, since he had done heroin *with* me only the day before. Strangely enough, I can't remember how we resolved this, but I guess we did.

So that was #1. #2 was when I got an abortion in late June. Brian probably felt guilty after telling me to "just kill it" and I always get nervous before anything requiring pain meds, because Vicoden has no effect on me since I have such a huge opiate tolerance. So he let me buy some heroin.

#3 was in Minneapolis in July when I got my IUD. This time, Brian didn't know and I managed to keep it a secret. I had no idea that the procedure would be about 100 times more painful than an abortion, so I'm really glad I did heroin for it. After the drugs wore off, I endured some of the worst pain of my life, for about a month.

So there you go, now I've told you everything. Are you happy? I know I am. And I still think that I was clean for a year, even though I used a few times, because in general I was clean 99.5% of the time (that is an exact calculation, too). I'm not so sure about the last month, I guess it depends on what happens next. I'll keep you posted.

So, I managed to stay clean today by doing absolutely nothing and sitting around the house all day in my bathrobe. Whenever I feel like a loser for not doing anything on my days off, I just think, "At least I'm not doing heroin." Doing nothing is ok, as long as I'm clean, right? When I do heroin for only one day, like I did yesterday, the next day I just want to sleep all day, so that's what I did. And judge not, lest ye be judged. Someday, I promise I'll have a life.