I also decided I should start being honest about my sobriety here, because after all, this is my space to write and I want to write about what's really happening, and I shouldn't be so afraid of the haters. I already know I'm a horrible person, I should be in jail, I'm a bad friend and daughter, I'm irresponsible, untalented, ungrateful, and probably ugly, so feel free to join the fray that will undoubtedly gather in the guestbook to anonymously criticize me for being a lousy junkie... I've heard it all before and I'm ready to hear it again!

So I've been doing heroin irregularly, which is the wrong way to do it. If I would get on the program properly and do it daily, or even better, hourly, I would never have to deal with much pain or surprises. If I could manage to be 100% clean, well, of course that's the goal, and after a few weeks of cravings it gets really easy. But I've been doing it on and off, sometimes once or twice a week, sometimes I stay clean for several weeks. The worst it got was when I used for 7 days in a row.

So at least I'm still doing much better than I was for the last four years, but I'm constantly in a state of very minor withdrawal (like, insomnia, cold sensitivity, and cravings/ anxiety), and when I get high I can't even enjoy it because I feel guilty and hate myself for giving in. It's this little dance, trying to avoid using heroin on consecutive days, skipping enough days in between, and making sure that if I need a day to recover, it doesn't fall on a work day.

God, why don't I just stop? Sometimes I get off work and I'm feeling good, it's a sunny day, and it just sounds like a good idea. Sometimes I'm stressed out or sad. Sometimes I'm bored. Today my friend emailed me and asked if I wanted a bag of heroin she'd bought but decided she didn't want. I don't have to work until Wednesday... it was just too easy.

But if I ever want to rise above this petty day-by-day on/off thing, I have to just STOP... Donna and I have been looking into other options, such as taking naltrexone (an opiate blocker). My willpower is not getting any stronger and I seem totally unable to see past the present moment, to make plans based on my future self and how she would feel a lot better if she could stay clean... At least I'm somehow managing not to do it every day -- I try to look on the positive side.

In other news... my new room is really cute, I'm decorating with christmas lights, scarves, and maps... My roommates are Pete and Steve, two 40-something men, which isn't my ideal situation, but they're both hilarious and fun to sit on the porch with the in the evening.

I love this neighborhood... there's a natural foods store (Wild Oats), a yuppie coffee shop / artisan bakery (Crema), a bike shop, some cute vintage or locally made clothing stores, a Plaid Pantry for cheap wine, a nice Italian restaurant (La Buca), a pretentious wine place to complain about (Noble Rot), a Cuban place (Pambiche), a cheap theater where you can get drunk (Laurelhurst)... and that's just within a four block radius of my house. Many other good neighborhoods are super close,. And I can bike to the Jewel of Southeast, Ladd's Addition...

I'm trying to be happy and not think about suicide too much... doing heroin makes my writing suck, but I am really going to try writing every day.. who knows, maybe the prospect of having to write entries like this that are dull and flat will keep me away from the needle. I don't seem to have any concern for my health or well-being, but bad writing is intolerable!

Oh, and I decided to accept Brian's offer to go to San Francisco to see Manu Chao, one of our favorite bands. I'll be there from the 29th to the 2nd, and if things get weird I might need to stay with one of my Bay Area friends, if you're reading this. He is medicated for bipolar now, and he sounds super calm over the phone, and totally *accepting* of my boundaries -- at least in theory. Ever since I left I've been completely honest that I do not, under any circumstances, want to be with him again. I'm sure he'll try to convince me otherwise, but I feel confident that I can stand up to him.. If anything, he knows me well enough to create the perfect trap, to lure me with one of my favorite cities, when I'm starting to get a little stir-crazy up here in Portland.

anyway, that's the news from Southeast Ankeny, and I'll be trying to write every day now, hopefully more sober writing and less boring heroin writing.