Work is still going fine. I've been there for 30 days as of today, which means I no longer have to call for a "help transfer" when I'm lifting a resident into bed. I pretty much have everyone's routine memorized, and I've already been included into the gossip circles and petty bickering that goes on behind everyone's back. At first I wanted to quit, especially since it's a half hour drive there and back. But if I stay for another 60 days I'll get benefits, and I haven't been to a doctor in four years, plus I need some new contacts. I only have to work 20 hours a week to get benefits, and I work 24-40 hours a week, so all I have to do is wait.

Another perk: the friend who originally referred me to this job travels a lot for business, which is difficult because he's in a wheelchair. He wants me to start coming on his trips to help with getting on and off the airplane and lifting him into bed, and whatever care he needs while he's there. I'm going to New York with him in May, and he just told me about a trip to Bejing in April!! Even though I've sworn off traveling, going somewhere for only a few days seems ok. Anyway, I've never been to China. I'm not 100% certain that trip is happening, but there will probably be other opportunities in the future. I never thought being a nursing assistant would give me chances to travel, so I'm excited.

I talked to my ex, Chris, the other day. I had been wondering what was happening with him. He moved back to Salt Lake two years ago, and things went from bad to worse. I don't know which one of us sunk lower in our little adventure with heroin. Last time we talked he was doing better, but I was a little worried he was back on the program. But I emailed him with my phone number, and he called me at work -- "hey, sweetie". He got off probation and has a great new job at an environmental firm and is making as much as he used to make in Portland doing similar work. We only talked for a few seconds because I had to go, but I'm glad he's doing well again.

I had coffee with Lyle the other day, speaking of ex-boyfriends, at the Star E Rose before I ran to work. And the weirdest thing happened: the next day, I had to buy some ice cream for Kim, one of the residents. I was picking up my coat from the cleaners so I went to the Broadway Safeway, which I don't usually go to. I'm in line, and the checker says, "Do you know my brother?" His nametag says Eric, and I realize he's Lyle's brother, whom I've never met. I'm shocked that he knows my name, but he seems like he was expecting to see me. "Have you heard from him? Our mother is worried about him." "He's fine, I just saw him yesterday." "Tell him to call his mother." I was still a bit stunned but Eric said he had seen me on myspace and recognized me... weird.

If you are wondering, I'm still clean, and I feel fine. I still don't have any money. But I don't feel like I want heroin. I'm not sure how I'd feel if I had money, and I don't see any reason to think about it at all. I'd rather keep it completely out of my mind. When I saw Lyle, he said it was the first time he'd seen me clean -- ever! I've been clean a lot in the two years since we met, but I guess I never saw him during those times. Then I got self-conscious because I know I laugh and talk a lot more when I'm clean. I must seem really different.

I've been thinking about dreams. The things I wanted out of my life. The things I thought I wanted. Traveling, a degree in anthropology, a job doing something really amazing, being an artist, being really skinny, having a great apartment with all my books, etc, etc. All I used to think about was traveling, before any of this happened. We used to be so unsatisfied.

And now here I am. I've sold almost all my books over the years, I'm not as skinny, and I've lost all my pretty clothes and jewelry in my travels. I've been across the country and the world, had three abortions, dropped out of school, got married on a whim, racked up thousands of dollars in debt to phone companies and emergency rooms, and lost touch with most of my amazing friends. I've lived out almost all my dreams and become disillusioned with them. The dreams I haven't lived have become impossible, at least for now.

It's so cliche, but I had to lose everything to appreciate how beautiful my life was before. I had to live my dreams to learn that I didn't really want to travel. I didn't care about any of those things. I just want to be in Portland with Donna. That's all. I'm in almost the same situation I was in 4 or 5 years ago, but now I'm so happy. I was happy then, too, but I hadn't lost it all yet. Now I've lost things I didn't even know I was capable of losing. But the most important things, I have again.