at work larry was joking that he's so annoying i might become violent towards him, but i assured him i've never hit anyone in my life. he was surprised, then told me i should take self-defense classes in case i am ever attacked. "i think i could defend myself," i said, "i'm strong." then i said, "actually, the only person i've ever had to defend myself against was my own husband."

anyway. last night i had at least three dreams about kids, all different. in one of them i was serving as a surrogate mother for someone.. actually i was writing an ad for myself to be a surrogate mother, and also apparently supplying the egg, because in my ad i was bragging about how smart i am and how many languages i can speak and things like that.

in another dream i was actively searching for a male to have kids with, except i seemed to be hanging out with a bunch of tweakers in the middle of the night in some abandoned buildings.. not really a fertile breeding ground.

all the girls i work with have children, except one, and one is pregnant, again. kids kids kids. i always wanted to have kids young, as in, younger than i am right now. i wanted to be closer to the same age, closer than my parents were. my mother was 28 when she had me so i am nearing the same age she was. it always seemed like younger parents could relate better with their children.

larry keeps telling me not to hurry, that everything happens when it should. he also told me he's one of the "top five smartest people in multnomah county" so who can you trust, really? that reminds me of when brannon said i was the prettiest girl in portland. so specific, and so ridiculous.

every problem i've ever had i can trace back to a fear of running out of time, trying to do everything too fast, so i probably shouldn't rush myself. being a single parent would suck anyway and i sure don't know anyone worthy of me anymore, or ever.