In one sense, you could see shutting off anonymous comments as being resistant to criticism. But I have plenty of people I know in real life who do not hesitate to criticize me honestly. I have friends and relatives who, in the past, went long periods without speaking to me, or only having not-very-kind words about the state of my life. They have since been more positive, and their opinions have not changed lately. I think that is a more accurate barometer of how I am doing than the opinions of people who have never interacted with me and who refuse to communicate in any way that is not one-sided.

It is important to remember: my life has never been a democracy.

I thought of not writing anymore, but I like writing. It keeps me sane. For some reason, about 130 people per day read this, or more like 160 lately. I like knowing that someone reads it, but it also traps me. There's no point in not writing, though, if I want to. My email address is, and has been, in the right column.

I also deleted my account at another site where I used to write a lot. I'm not sure why, but I've wanted to for a while, so I finally did. There goes about 500 pages of writing... oh well. I don't know why, but I have this desire to simplify and reduce my presence, everywhere.

I feel disillusioned with a few other things, such as love -- or rather, romantic love -- or maybe only my ability to judge character, which I was never sure of in the first place. I have always known that the truth of what I see in other people is shaky at best, and experience seems to bear this out. Knowing that, I should never enter into any sort of legally binding relationship with anyone. Though when gay marriage was legal in San Francisco, Donna and I were going to get married, and I think that would have worked out fine.

I am also disillusioned with something I guess I would call the story of my life. The story is getting pretty ridiculous. I'm sick of thinking about it, really. It's one of those things where, in 20 years, I'll probably laugh. I do need to learn to accept imperfection, in myself, my location, and everything else.

Taking the long view, nothing is that bad. It's funny, when I look at my friendship with Donna, during the first half of it, we both would have agreed that she was the more "fucked up" and unstable element. Sometime around 2002 it leveled off, and since 2003 I have probably had more problems than her, though we seem to agree that I am still more stable. Right now we're both making decisions that could have a huge impact on our lives, so who knows what will happen in the next month or year.

But back in 2001 it was very difficult for me to see a way out of the problems she was having, and the problems we were having together, but somehow it happened, over the years.

As a result of all this, being disillusioned with many things that were formerly important to me, I feel this sense of emptiness. But it forces me to be more aware of the moment, to be here, now. Even if the moment is not quite perfect.

The most important thing is to express your true nature in the simplest, most adequate way and to appreciate it in the smallest existence. Then eventually you will resume your own true nature. That is to say, your own true nature resumes itself.