I need to keep my line of sight open or my thoughts are trapped.

I am working on going west but I still owe my parents some money for my plane ticket, plus I need a ticket to wherever I decide to go. I will either have to pluck $500 from the ether or stay here for two months -- that's how long I'm guessing it would take me to find a job and save the money. I have been thinking about this continuously for the past few days, trying to think of *anything* I could do to leave faster -- anything I could sell, less legal ways of making money, hitchhiking west instead of taking a bus.

But, for once, I can't find a way out of the situation at hand.

Brian used to pin me down on the bed, surprising me when I was reading, holding my wrists or shoulders or kneeling on my legs. He'd simply hold me there for his own amusement as I wriggled and kicked. I hated that more than I can put into words. My heart is racing just thinking about it. I hate being physically restrained. I'm strong and I could usually fight my way out, but sometimes I'd have to give up and lie there until he got bored. He said he liked to watch me squirm. It was stress relief -- he'd do it more when he was worried or angry or restless.

Once I was free, I would usually run away and stand by the wall, horrified but safe. It's harder to catch someone when they're standing. If you know me you know that I am calm and hard to anger. But being held against my will like that makes my blood burn, my eyes flash with rage. Those were the only times in my life I've fought, physically, for something -- my freedom.

I felt like an escape artist.

When we got back together in April, he apologized for all the shit he used to do, and seemed to truly regret it. I said, "Remember when I tried to make you promise to stop holding me down on the bed? And you wouldn't promise?" He looked stricken and said he wished he had promised. For a long time he was better, but his old ways crept back, slow enough that I didn't notice, didn't think to say, "Hey, you promised not to do this!"

I do not miss him. If I am going to miss him, it will be here, at my parent's house, because it's so boring and lonely. I thought I would miss him. When should it hit me? Usually I miss people most at the beginning. My relatives kept asking when we'll be "reunited". I lied and evaded the topic. If they don't find out for another year, that will be embarrassing enough.

At night I have a sense of loss, a memory: there used to be someone sleeping next to me. The phantom limb. The future scares me -- too much possibility, so hard to make decisions. I feel disgusted with myself for fucking up yet another thing. I mean, I decided to marry him. I should have known better. Whatever the reasons for things in my life, everything follows a pattern of rapid change, rapid falling apart, rapid escape. Maybe it will be different now that I'm clean.

If I could figure out a way to get there, I could stay with my friend Dan in Oakland, or Natalie says I should go to Tucson. I could also go back to Portland, but first I will stay away, and test the waters in a place with less memories. And before I go west, anywhere, I have to make money.

So I'm stuck in the north; it will be tedious and cold. I'm completely alone and terrified. Everything is too big to comprehend. The whole world is open and dizzying. Who is this person this chasm this lost event?