Natalie has an 8 month old baby, Ursula Ray Chicago Molena Brewster Nguyen (I love writing that name) but we call her Sula Ray, and she is so gorgeous. She is 1/4 Vietnamese, 1/4 American, and 1/2 Mexican, and she has a Conor Oberst emo haircut and Natalie carries her around in a cloth back sling.

I am trying to take a break from worrying about my life. My old friend Sky told me I could go to Maui and there would be somewhere to stay and maybe a job, and it's strange, but the thought of going somewhere else tropical and far away doesn't appeal to me. Otherwise that would be lovely... I don't know where I want to go and I have to decide something about Brian first. He doesn't want to give me time to think.

The most important thing is that I am still clean and that is what should remain most important, above all else, even respect for other people's feelings and wishes.

My extended family is strangely understanding. Because we have had so many family members live abroad, especially in Thailand. My dad said, "Marcia and Dave [my aunt and uncle] were expats for years, but eventually they both came back, and they've always appreciated this country since then." That made me feel less like a fuck-up.

My heart says to leave him, but what do I know? Maybe I am just in the midst of very strong emotions and when they settle I'll feel differently. But when will that happen? I did marry him. But he threatened to divorce me when I couldn't initially find a job. Is being unable to find a job any worse than things he's done? Can I not make a decision based on his behavior rather than on what "could happen"? What is the point of marriage vows if he wouldn't stay with me when I couldn't deal with the situation at hand (living in Thailand, being forced to find scarce jobs that are very hard for me)? He refused to believe me that it was that difficult for me. He didn't want me "dragging him down." For better or for worse?

this quote has been running through my head, from "A Separate Peace."

"Only Phineas never was afraid, only Phineas never hated anyone. Other people experienced this fearful shock somewhere, this sighting of the enemy, and so began an obsessive labor of defense, began to parry the menace they saw facing them by developing a particular frame of mind, 'You see,' their behavior toward everything and everyone proclaimed, 'I am a humble ant, I am nothing, I am not worthy of of this menace.' All of them, except Phineas, constructed at infinite cost to themselves these Maginot Lines against this enemy they thought they saw across the frontier, this enemy who never attacked that way -- if he ever attacked at all; if he was indeed the enemy."

It's Christmas Eve. I went to the bookstore and lost myself in Lorca and previously overlooked Anne Carson books. I love being with my family, they are all so smart and fascinating and understand me. We have these lightening quick exchanges at the dinner table that we all understand. I'm gorging myself on being "home".